I have developed some unique habits over the course of my life that seem to serve me well, but if I admitted all of them to you, you'd probably laugh. One of the habits that I developed as a teenager was to write out a list of advice to myself on how to raise teenagers because I was convinced that I would forget what it was like to be a teenager once I had kids of my own. Believe it or not, some of that advice has been rather practical.
If the Lord is calling you to raise children in the future or in the present, or if you've already raised your children and you're into the season of leaving a legacy for your grandchildren, please allow me to point out five principles I believe are taught in Scripture, about the process of training and influencing the life of a child.
I. Parenting children is rewarding, but it isn't easy
I enjoy being a father. The blessing of having children and raising them together with my wife has been an experience that I have truly considered a gift from God. When I think back over the past twenty years, my mind is filled with snapshots of conversations, day-trips, silly moments, vacations, and milestones. Most of the experiences we've been blessed to have together have been positive and rewarding, but other experiences have been infuriating, scary, or even heart-breaking. I'm sure my parents would say the same thing, as would their parents.
Parenting children is rewarding, but it isn't easy. When you have a child, you've basically committed yourself to thinking about their well-being continually, for the rest of your life. You'll do your best to protect them, provide for them, offer them counsel, and point them to Jesus, but the experience will stretch you in ways you didn't expect. The stretching probably won't feel good, but it is a good thing. I believe it's something the Lord uses in two ways.
First, I believe it's part of His sanctifying process. He uses it to produce holiness in our lives by teaching us more about the importance of self-sacrifice, admitting we aren't perfect, and relying on His help.
"Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God." (2 Corinthians 7:1)
Second, I believe He helps us gain a greater glimpse of His heart through the process of raising a child. In my case, I can testify that He has been using my experience of raising children to help me learn more about the nature of unconditional love, the kind of love first demonstrated to us through Him.
II. You're responsible for what you model and teach, not what your child ultimately does with it
"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6)
Those of you who have multiple children can testify that each child is unique. They may have the same two parents, grow up with the same instruction, live in the same house, but be completely different in nearly every way. Some may latch on to your wisdom and instruction early, while others rebel. Some may show an interest in spiritual things while they still live with you, while others might take longer for their eyes to be opened.
The promise we're given here in this portion of Scripture is that there will be fruit that comes from the investments we make in our children. If we model what it means to follow Jesus, and teach them how to navigate life experiences with Christ as their central focus, there will come a day, possibly much later in life, when that instruction will bear fruit.
I think that's helpful knowledge to embrace because many if not most parents share a similar quirk. Instead of accepting the fact that there will be times when our children make errors in judgment, we blame ourselves for every mistake or unwise decision they make. And that self-blame tends to get really strong when those children become adults who may make choices we're uncomfortable with. So please keep in mind, you're responsible for what you model and teach, not what your child ultimately does with it.
Some years ago, a friend of mine whose children are all adults asked me if we could chat. Two of her children were on a good path, and two weren't. Not long after that, I was talking with another friend who said something similar about his children. Fast forward just a little while after that and another friend with adult children told me the same thing about his kids.
I'm learning that seems to be a common reality for most parents. Different children make different decisions at different times. Some decisions will be wise, helpful, and godly. Other decisions will be harmful, destructive, and heart-breaking. And God Himself is sympathetic to it all because He experiences the same exact thing from us. When we look back in history to the first man and woman, we can see that just because you're raised by the perfect parent in the perfect environment doesn't mean you aren't going to rebel or make poor choices.
We are responsible for what we model and teach, not what our children ultimately do with what we've offered them.
III. If you don't influence your child for good, the culture will be happy to influence them for evil
We live in an era of many influences, some good and some bad. Our senses are continually being bombarded with information. It may even begin to feel like everyone is trying to either influence us, entertain us, sell to us, or control us. I guess it probably feels that way because it's true.
What influences are you allowing into your home, or endorsing through your consumption habits? I don't ask that to make you feel guilty, but I do ask that to invite us all, myself included, to become more intentional about this because if we don't influence our children for good, the culture will be more than happy to influence them for evil.
We may not think about this often enough, but there is actually a spiritual battle taking place every day for control of our minds.
"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ," (2 Cor. 10:3-5)
A key aspect of household leadership is the influence we have on those the Lord entrusts to our care. One of the greatest facets of the legacy you will leave to the generations that come after you is your influence. In fact, every day I'm being influenced by the lives of people who are no longer living. Typically it's because they set an example for me that's reiterated in what I have read, or the stories that are still being told.
If you're raising children, or already raised them, you continue to be a powerful force to influence them. As you remain careful to yield your mind to Christ, and surround yourself with influences that point you toward Him, the fruit of that example will reach into the lives of those who watch and learn from you. The culture may try to point your children and grandchildren away from Christ, but your life can be used by Him to point them toward Him.
IV. You're going to need to trust the Lord's promise on days when it seems unlikely to come to pass
I received a call on Thursday night from a friend who wanted to talk about raising children. She and her husband have an infant son, so she wanted to talk to someone who has already been through the process of raising sons to see what I would say. One of the comments she made to me was, "Parenting a baby is the most enjoyable thing I have ever done, but it's also the hardest." Being a wise-guy I said to her, "I have good news, it only gets harder."
Proverbs 22:6 assures us that if we train our children in the way they should go, they won't depart from it when they're old, but there are going to be many days when we're going to have to accept that teaching by faith because our eyes may be seeing something drastically different.
I was recently reading a story about one of Billy Graham's daughters that I found instructive. Many of us, myself included, have a great degree of respect for Billy and Ruth Graham, and the ways the Lord used them to bring millions of people unto Himself, but keep in mind they were also battle-weary parents who experienced some of life's hardest moments.
One of their daughters in particular went through a very difficult stretch of life early in her adulthood. She did what so many of us have done and rejected the good counsel she was given in some key areas of life by choosing to elevate her own ideas over the wisdom that was offered to her. Eventually, it all came crashing down and she found herself in genuine need of her parents' help in order to pick up the pieces.
Amazingly, they didn't crush her spirit when she came back to them. They didn't even express disappointment in her. Rather, they lovingly embraced her, welcomed her home, and helped her rebuild her life. Billy and Ruth trusted the Lord to bring their daughter back around even when it seemed unlikely, and that's exactly what they were able to witness Him do.
(Be sure to check out "Doing Life With Your Adult Children" by Jim Burns. That's where I read this story.)
V. You may not live to see the ultimate fruit of your investment, but it's OK to rejoice in it ahead of time
Take a quick look at these verses. What repeated assurances do you see?
"A good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children," (Prov. 13:22a)
"But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children," (Psalm 103:17)
“Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children's children—" (Deut. 4:9)
We tend to think in moments of time, but the Lord shows us that He's thinking generationally. He speaks into a moment, but can see beyond that moment into the future. As our faith develops, I think He's also helping us to do the same thing. He's teaching us to see things that haven't even happened yet and to treat them like they already have.
By faith, I believe Jesus is returning like I've already seen it. By faith, I believe that I will enjoy the blessings of being part of God's eternal kingdom like I'm already seated at the heavenly banquet table I'm going to eat at. I think God also wants me to trust Him for the promises His word shares about my children, their children, and their children, whether I live long enough to see it with my own eyes or not. So I'm going to remain optimistic and rejoice about these things ahead of time because I believe the promise of God is true.
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If you're preparing to become a parent, have adult children, or you're somewhere in between those two ends of the spectrum, I hope you'll take great encouragement from God's promises to you. Through faith in Jesus, you become a child of God. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, you're enabled to raise children. Rely on God's guidance to see you through the process, trust Him to do what only He can do, and start looking forward to the blessings you can't yet see like you've already seen them.
© John Stange, 2021
