Apart from the decision to follow Jesus, there is no greater decision a person makes than the choice to marry someone. For some people, marriage is a joyful experience - filled with delight. For others, married life is a daily struggle - filled with disappointments and disagreements.
When my wife and I were selecting our wedding rings, we made a special request of the jeweler. We asked him if he would engrave "Ephesians 5" on the inside of our rings (not the entire chapter, just the reference). When we were speaking to the pastor who officiated for our wedding, we requested that he emphasize the teaching of "Ephesians 5" in his wedding message. As followers of Jesus, this chapter of the Bible has a special place in our marriage. Ephesians 5 explains that marriage between a man and a woman is designed by God to be a visible illustration of the love of Jesus for His church.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is filled with good news for your marriage. As we meditate more and more on the nature of Christ's Gospel and its application to our daily lives, we begin to see that He has called us to apply His Gospel to every area of our lives, particularly our marriages.
When we center our marriages on Jesus, we begin to better understand how to react and respond to the common sources of stress and disagreement that all married couples face. What does His Gospel say about love, commitment, communication, and mutual submission?
I. Learn to love like Jesus
““Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” ”
Everyone who trusts in Jesus to be their God and Savior is rescued by Him and immediately becomes part of a spiritual body called "the church." Jesus loves His church. Scripture even refers to the church as Jesus' "bride" (Rev. 19:7). So if the church is the bride of Christ, what kind of care do you suppose we can expect to receive from Him? How does the perfect Husband treat His chosen bride?
Jesus gave Himself up for the church. "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her," (Eph. 5:25). With unselfish devotion, Jesus showed His bride that He loved her by giving Himself up for her. Just think about that for a second. There is nothing that Jesus was lacking in Heaven. He was surrounded by perfection. He wasn't in pain. He didn't struggle with hunger. He wasn't surrounded by people spitting on him, ripping out His beard, slapping His face, whipping Him and nailing Him to a cross. In Heaven, He was surrounded by perfection, yet in the midst of that, He witnessed humanity - His most precious creation, suffering under the crushing burden of their sin. In love, He gave up that which was rightfully His so that He could come and suffer in the place of His bride. He endured the death-penalty that we deserved for sin, paying our debt completely, so that through faith in Him our crushing burden would be lifted and we would be forgiven. Then, after dying in His bride's place, Jesus rose from the grave and He shares His victory over death, sin and Satan with His church. This truly is good news. We would have no hope, peace or lasting joy apart from what He has graciously shared with us and accomplished on our behalf.
That's a pretty hefty standard for husbands to measure themselves by. Frequently I have heard men say that they would die for their wives. That sounds great, but most of the time we picture that taking place in one final moment of glory where we bravely dive in front of a speeding bullet to save our wife's life or push her out of the way as a train comes barreling down the tracks toward her, only to get hit by the train in her place. We would all like to think that we would do that for our wives, but it usually doesn't work that way. More often, we say that we love our wives so much that we would die for them yet we won't let them choose the color of our car, the movie we go to see or the restaurant we eat at. We say that we will give ourselves up for our wives, but we struggle to share access to the TV remote.
Just as Jesus gave Himself up for the church, husbands are called to give themselves up for their wives. Jesus wants us to love our brides with a selfless devotion that continually communicates the depth of our love. In view of the nature of the love Jesus has for you, He is calling you to reflect that love like a mirror in the kind of love you show your wife.
Jesus sanctifies the church. "that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word," (Eph. 5:26). Sanctification is a positional standing, a transformational process, and an ultimate outcome. There are past, present, and future aspects to sanctification. Regarding our past, Scripture reveals that the moment we trusted in Jesus, we were "sanctified" which means that we have been made holy in God's sight and set apart as His child (Col. 1:22). We have been given the righteousness of Jesus as a gift (Rom. 3:22), and we are forevermore declared to be righteous saints because our sins have been completely forgiven (1 Cor. 1:2).
Presently, we are being gradually transformed by the Holy Spirit to reflect Jesus more and more (2 Cor. 3:18). This is a process that occurs gradually over the course of our lives. With the Spirit's help, the desire to live as Jesus lives and display His character and attitude is fostered in our hearts. We love as Jesus loves. We show mercy as Jesus shows mercy. We show compassion as Jesus shows compassion. This transformational process is a continual work the Lord accomplishes in the lives of all who trust in Him.
The final, future aspect of our sanctification occurs once our earthly bodies die and we are given new bodies that are sinless and incorruptible (Phil. 3:21). We will live forever in Jesus' presence as His sinless bride.
In view of the fact that Jesus sets His bride apart as holy in His sight, cleansing her of all sin, how should a husband apply this truth to his relationship with his wife? One way this could be applied would be to keep our marriage free from corruption. There are always influences that seek to corrupt our marriages; from cultural influences that try to dilute or redefine marriage, to internal influences that tempt us to drift from protecting our marriages. But just as the marriage of Christ and His church is a sanctified union, so too should the marriage between a man and woman be kept from any form of corruption that might seek to derail the union.
Jesus presents the church to Himself without stain or blemish. "so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish." (Eph. 5:27). Jesus changes us. He forgives us and imparts His holiness to us. He doesn't just clean us up, He makes us brand new. Then He shows us off.
I still remember the first time I had the opportunity to introduce Andrea, my future wife to my father. Soon after we started dating, my Dad came down to visit us at our college. He had heard me talk about Andrea for weeks and now he was finally meeting her. He was impressed with her and congratulated me on the fact that I was able to convince a girl like her to actually date me. I'm still amazed that worked out too. In my mind, Andrea was perfect. I couldn't see a thing wrong with her and I showed her off to everyone. "Hey everyone....look who I got! Can you believe this girl actually likes me? Crazy,... I know!"
Jesus loves us deeply and He isn't ashamed to call us His bride. Husbands need to model this kind of love as they relate to their wives. In view of the fact that Jesus cherishes us and isn't looking at us for our faults or keeping a record of our errors and mistakes, husbands should likewise reflect this same level of grace and mercy toward their wives. Of course our wives will at times make mistakes, as will we, but if the mindset of Jesus governs our homes, we'll more easily be able to forgive and look past those errors. We'll stop keeping score and start realizing that our wives are a treasure entrusted to us by the One who isn't ashamed to call them His bride. "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. (Prov. 18:22)
Ephesians 5 ends with this challenge, "However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." (Eph. 5:33). Husbands, we are called to love our wives with the sacrificial love of Jesus, and wives are called to respect their husbands with a heart and mind that reflects the nature of the relationship of the church to Jesus. Frankly, it is much easier for wives to respect husbands who love like Jesus, and likewise easier for husbands to show love to wives who respect them.
But what does it look like for a wife to respect her husband in a way that honors Jesus? We'll take some time to examine that next .....
II. Don't be afraid of biblical submission
““Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” ”
Few words elicit as strong a reaction in the context of marriage as the word "submit." Years ago, I was officiating for the wedding of a couple that I knew very well. During the course of the wedding ceremony I read from Ephesians 5, as I do every time I officiate. When I referenced the concept of submission, I watched the bride visibly wince. She looked rather angry and her expression created a mental picture that I don't think I'll ever forget. Unfortunately, their marriage did not last very long. Both husband and wife gradually became more selfish and self-absorbed. Their hearts hardened toward each other and they gave up on their marriage.
When I ask people, especially women, to tell me why the concept of submission sounds scary to them, they often share descriptions of domineering men who abused and distorted it into something that it is not meant to be. We have all interacted with people who possessed harsh and arrogant personalities. We all know control-freaks. These are the images that most often come to mind when women in our culture are asked for their opinions on the subject of submission. I can sympathize with how they feel. They have a legitimate fear of being demeaned, taken advantage of, controlled, stifled and undervalued. I have two daughters and I bristle at the thought of someone treating them like they were second-class citizens or crushing their spirit in any way.
Jesus values women, and so should every man who has the privilege to marry one of God's daughters. The Lord doesn't take the way we treat our wives lightly, and He has warned us that men can expect to be held accountable for how they treat their wives. 1 Peter 5:5 tells us, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” And 1 Peter 3:7 explains that husbands are to live with their wives in an understanding way and show them honor "so that your prayers may not be hindered." So it's made clear to men in several ways that if they lack humility, and are disrespectful both in how they treat their wives and exercise leadership in their home, God will actively remedy the situation, and the man will be taught a painful lesson.
Marriage is meant to serve as a visible picture of the love of Jesus for His church. Jesus is the loving, compassionate, just, strong, nurturing head of the church. He chose His bride. He loves His bride. He protects and defends His bride. He provides for His bride, and He leads His bride with grace, mercy, and righteousness. The response of His bride is to be one of joyful submission to His leadership. Knowing that He is actively working for our good, and keeping in mind that He gave Himself up for us, the concept of submitting to Jesus should be a delight to us. But our old nature is strong, and it battles against the desires of our new nature. Instead of joyfully submitting to Jesus, we, His bride, have a strong tendency to go our own way and ignore the loving leadership of Christ. Naturally speaking, we do not excel at the practice of submission, even submission to our Savior.
Our struggle to submit finds a way to creep into our marriages as well. Jesus has called husbands to represent Him and serve as agents of His loving leadership in their homes. Jesus has called wives to represent the object of His affection, the church, in their homes. As the church is called to respect and submit to the leadership of Jesus, wives are called to submit to the leadership of their husbands in the home. In our culture, that is a strongly resisted concept, and I'm sure that statement would sound offensive to many people, even though I don't mean it to be. Most often, it's an offensive concept to us because we don't really know how to implement it.
Submission involves esteeming and elevating the leadership of someone else. It means to honor, yield to, and carry out the decisions of the leader. It involves showing genuine respect, and requires a high level of trust. It is always easier to submit to the leadership of those who are mindful of the fact that they must likewise submit to Jesus. When husbands are allowing Jesus to develop their hearts and motivations to mirror His, they tend to lead well, and their leadership is valued and appreciated by their wives and children. When husbands forget that God will hold them accountable for how they treat their wives, they get off track and behave selfishly instead of serving sacrificially.
Submission does not mean a wife cannot express her insights and opinion. It does not devalue her role as a leader in the home. It should result in her feeling honored, cared for, sacrificed for, provided for, and protected.
I appreciate the ways that I see this work out in my household. My wife and I are both oldest children. As such, we both have "take charge" kinds of personalities. In most contexts of life, both prior to marriage and since becoming married, we were both frequently called upon to serve in roles of leadership. How can you merge two personalities like ours into one household without experiencing a ridiculous amount of conflict? The answer is that it requires the intervention of Jesus, and heavy doses of His grace, mercy, and humility in how we have learned to relate to each other.
Because my wife and I both take Ephesians 5 seriously, we make it a point to try to live out the pattern expressed in that chapter. I seek to lovingly lead our household, and she seeks to joyfully respect my leadership. This works when both parties are convinced that the other is seeking what is in their best interest and sacrificing for their good. I try not to be an inconsiderate jerk, and she tries not to undercut my authority. We treat my decisions as the "final word" on the subject, but I don't make those decisions without seeking her input and advice. In humility, we seek to put each other first. As objects of the love of Jesus, we desire to demonstrate His unconditional love toward each other in the ways that we are called to lead and submit.
Here's an interesting twist to the concept of submission. While it's clear that Christ has called men to serve as the "head" of their households, leadership isn't for the faint of heart. All good leaders quickly learn that the word "leader" is really just a synonym for "chief servant." A careful reading of Ephesians 5 reveals that every person who is part of the church is called to be actively "submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." (Eph. 5:21). This applies to every relationship among believers and should stand out prominently within every Christian marriage.
The only perfect marriage is the marriage Jesus shares with His church. Our earthly marriages struggle to match that example, but a marriage that chooses not to incorporate a healthy understanding of the important role of humble, biblical submission, is destined to experience serious disappointment and heartache, much of which is preventable.
Learn to love like Jesus. Don't be afraid to practice biblical submission. Do whatever it takes to build a healthy marriage that reflects the heart of Christ and the devotion of the church to Him.
© John Stange, 2021
