When I was in high school, I had several jobs that I tried to juggle at the same time, in addition to working at my father's grocery store. It was a tiring, but very educational experience. I learned a lot in the process, and was exposed to a variety of interesting people who all taught me something of value in one way or another.
One particular person, an older woman that I worked with for several years demonstrated an interesting pattern that took me a while to catch on to. She was truly someone I loved and appreciated. She was a very hard worker who was highly competent in what she did. I also thought she was a lot of fun. But she had one fatal flaw that eventually stood out to me in a cautionary way. Wherever she worked, she created unnecessary drama, and sometimes that produced conflict and hard feelings. Unfortunately, I think that also cost her quite a few opportunities in life because that became her reputation.
In our relationships with our family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors, we're called to model the heart of Christ in all conversations and interactions. This world is good at teaching us how to foster drama and conflict, but Christ demonstrates what it looks like to bless one another with the kind of peace He chooses to bless us with. His desire is that His church feed a heart of unity, not a spirit of division.
Proverbs 17:9-20 gives us great counsel on how that can be accomplished. In this passage, we're challenged not to feed the fires of drama, but rather foster a culture of peace within the body of Christ.
I. Seek reconciliation and restoration
Whoever covers an offense seeks love,
but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.
A rebuke goes deeper into a man of understanding
than a hundred blows into a fool.
An evil man seeks only rebellion,
and a cruel messenger will be sent against him. (Proverbs 17:9-11)
Years ago, Tim Keller wrote a book called "The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness." It's a short book, but the title grabbed my attention right away. In that book, Keller encourages Christians not to be so caught up in themselves. He reminds us of the joy of Christ-empowered humility. The publisher's summary of the book states this, "gospel humility means we can stop connecting every experience, every conversation with ourselves and can thus be free from self condemnation. A truly gospel humble person is not a self-hating person or a self-loving person, but a self-forgetful person."
I think if we're willing to be a little more "self-forgetful", we can also get to a spot of reconciliation and restoration a little quicker with those who may have offended us in the past. Instead of feeding the flames of bitterness in our hearts, we can stop thinking so much of ourselves and brooding over who may have wronged us.
In fact, Solomon tells us in this portion of Proverbs that those who choose to cover an offense are seeking love, but those who refuse to stop repeating the matter to every ear that's willing to listen are fostering division.
Two of the most helpful verses from the New Testament that reinforce this concept to my heart are 1 Corinthians 13:4-5. In that passage, we're told, "Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs." (1 Cor. 13:4-5, CSB). Those who have had their offenses covered by Christ, delight to share that blessing with others by keeping no record of wrongs.
A loving person seeks reconciliation and restoration, and they do so honestly. Solomon tells us that process may involve a loving rebuke and words that are momentarily hard to hear, but that's certainly preferable to the rebellion, division, and conflict that are frequently fostered by those who reject Christ and embrace the harsh values of this world.
II. Value sense over strife
Let a man meet a she-bear robbed of her cubs
rather than a fool in his folly.
f anyone returns evil for good,
evil will not depart from his house.
The beginning of strife is like letting out water,
so quit before the quarrel breaks out.
He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous
are both alike an abomination to the Lord.
Why should a fool have money in his hand to buy wisdom
when he has no sense? (Proverbs 17:12-16)
What experience would you like to have in your home; the presence of wickedness, or obvious examples of the Lord generously blessing your household far beyond what you deserve?
I was having this conversation with my son just the other day. The Lord had blessed him in a very obvious way, and we were tracing the hand of God's providence throughout all the circumstances that had led up to that moment. That then led to a deeper discussion of the multiple ways we can trace God's hand doing that same exact thing for our family as a whole.
That contrasts with the effects of the warning Solomon gives in this passage. Here he tells us about the effects of returning evil for good. In that case, a household doesn't experience blessing but rather the greater presence of evil. In fact, Solomon seems to indicate that as long as a person persists in returning evil for good, they can continue to expect the presence of evil in their home. The spiritual and relational effects of their decisions will eventually deliver bitter fruit.
But those who have been blessed with wisdom from the Spirit of God learn to value godliness over worldliness, and sense over strife. When they notice things getting heated between them and others, they attempt to de-escalate the problem before it turns into an all out war. They quit before the quarrel breaks out. As I have often heard it said, "You don't have to attend every fight you're invited to." I value that counsel.
III. Love unconditionally
A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity. (Proverbs 17:17)
When my sisters and I were growing up, we witnessed an event where several adults that were siblings got into a long and protracted form of conflict. We didn't know all the details, but part of the conflict involved an inheritance and the transfer of real-estate. We watched them go from a seemingly loving family to divided adversaries that remained at odds with each other for years. In observing that, my sisters and I promised each other that we would never do that to each other, and by the grace of God, we have kept that promise.
But there are times when even close ties between friends and family can be tested. Solomon explained that those moments don't need to be times of division. Rather, we can continue to love one another in the midst of adversity.
One of the greatest blessings of a relationship with Jesus Christ is the realization that in Him we are loved without condition. God the Father displayed that unconditional love like this...
"God’s love was revealed among us in this way: God sent his one and only Son into the world so that we might live through him. Love consists in this: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins." (1 John 4:9-10, CSB)
In a very personal way, this demonstration of love has had a major impact on how I handle myself as a husband and a father. It is my desire to create a culture in our home that reflects the unconditional love of Christ that He demonstrated to us first. The desire to love without condition gets regularly tested in my life, but as the truth of the gospel grabs hold of my heart, this is something the Lord is helping me value and prioritize. I'm certain it makes a difference on the health of my marriage, and the quality of my parenting, and it definitely helps foster a spirit of peace in our home.
IV. Pray for wisdom to see beyond this moment
One who lacks sense gives a pledge
and puts up security in the presence of his neighbor.
Whoever loves transgression loves strife;
he who makes his door high seeks destruction.
A man of crooked heart does not discover good,
and one with a dishonest tongue falls into calamity. (Proverbs 17:18-20)
Most people on this planet only live for today. They don't think much about tomorrow. They don't make decisions that will benefit themselves and others in the long-term. They just react to whatever comes their way without much thought beyond the moment.
Solomon gives a few examples of that. He speaks of people who puts up security for others (the equivalent of our modern-day practice of co-signing a loan). He speaks of those who love transgression and make their doors high or trust in high walls (which was a symbol of pride and arrogance). He also talks about that nature of living with a crooked heart and a dishonest tongue. It's all evidence of living with a short-term perspective.
But through Christ, we can experience an eternal perspective. We can live in the moment while fostering a faithful eye toward the future. We can pray that the Lord will increase our wisdom and open our eyes to see what He holds in store. It's a hopeful perspective that He grants those who trust in Him and rely on His guidance.
As Solomon explains in Proverbs 17, we can choose to be people who feed the fires of drama or we can foster a culture of Christ-empowered peace. With hearts that are ruled by Christ's peace, let's give this world a powerful glimpse of His work of transformation within us.
© John Stange, 2020
